tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28605505304643952982024-02-19T08:07:19.020-08:00wanttwanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-66896452182219587492010-11-19T05:59:00.000-08:002010-11-19T05:59:13.203-08:00Day two<span><span style="background-color: #0c343d;"><span style="background-color: #741b47;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">So I had 405 cals yesterday. I'm happy with that. I'm not going to go over 500 today either. 149lbs when I weighed myself this morning. I will be in the 130's again. </span></span></span></span></span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-55722894464900931842010-11-18T16:55:00.000-08:002010-11-18T16:55:02.148-08:00Someone shoot me<div style="color: #20124d;">Well I'm back , for the millionith timeee. Starting over. </div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I'm so weak I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been really depressed latley so I've been eating my face off, and no mia, I'm happy about that part. I haven't weighed in a while I think I'm around 149-150, I'm not going to weigh until a week. It's to fucking depressing because it's my own stupid fault.</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I don't know why but I have this all or nothing attitude, either I starve myself or binge. There's just no inbetween with me, I can't be normal no matter how hard I try. I bought a bunch of cute clothes for christmas and I want to look good in it so I have to get my ass in gear.</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">When I'm doing horrible I don't know why but I can't even log on here. I feel so grosse. I'm sorry to m followers and I'm not going to leave again, not even if I have a bad day or two. I'm going to catch up on everyone else's posts. </div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">So far today I've had 225 calories and it's 9:30pm. I'm not going over 500, no matter what.</div><div style="color: #20124d;">Wish me luck this time beautiess </div><div style="color: #20124d;">xo</div>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-75000641582540866792010-11-03T06:52:00.000-07:002010-11-03T06:52:29.494-07:00Day 1<div style="color: #351c75; font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Well yesterday was supposed to be day 1 of ABC but I fucked it up, so I'm restarting today. I was 148 this morning, that's a bit better. I was really stressed out last night, couldn't sleep til like 3 in the morning. Today is a new day I won't fuck up anymore. I really want to finish it, I've never finished it before but I will. </div><div style="color: #351c75; font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Thank you all for your comments, you guys are always here when I need some motivation or support, and I'm not going to leave when things get rough this time, I'm going to stick around. </span></div><div style="color: #351c75; font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">It's almost dinner time, I've had 90 calories so far. I can do this. I know I can. </span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-28560987071303139362010-11-02T08:20:00.000-07:002010-11-02T08:20:30.937-07:00I'm back and fat again -_-149lbs.<br />
<br />
WTF is wrong with me? How did I get back here?<br />
I've been stuffing my face and being a lazy fuck thats how.<br />
Starting ABC diet today, so far I've had 250 cals and I'm going to have the other 250 later this evening.<br />
My boyfriend is gone away for 6 weeks now, I want to be135 or lower when he gets back. I will do it this time. I missed you guys but I've been going through some rough stuff the past while and just don't know how to handle it besides stuffing my face and then feeling even worse. A new month a new start.wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-80800695458496921772010-09-21T04:01:00.000-07:002010-09-21T04:02:06.946-07:00137<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">137lbs when I stepped on the scale today, not bad. Three pounds away from where I was. I can't wait to be under 135 again. I feel a million times better today than when I had my "melt down."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I kept my calories under 800 and ate mostl good foods. Boyfriend came home yesterday finally, and of course brought over junk food, ugh I love him but I hate when he does that. I ended up having a couple chips with dip and candy but I know I never went over my calorie limit. Plus some long over due lovingg must have burned off some of those calories ;)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Spin class kicked my ass yesterday. Then I went on the treadmill for half an hour and did an hour of free weights, planks, squats etc. I drank fuck loads of water and diet pepsi. Today is 800 cals or less. I can do this I know I can. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I was supposed to go Zumba class today but the weather is shittt so I'm going to stay home and do one of my work out videos and get on my own treadmill. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I will stay strong today, no matter what crap boy brings home after work. I told him not to bring it in the house but I know he won't listen. Can't punish him for my fucked up eating I guess but it's so much harder when it's there in front of my face. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I can do it, I will do it. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Stay strong my beauties and thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments, it means so much to me to know that there's people out there that I can talk to about anything and not get judged, that understand what I'm going through. Lots of love to all of you beautiful ladies. xoxox Stay stong & think thin!!</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">-J </span></span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-11646857936693314222010-09-20T03:37:00.000-07:002010-09-20T03:37:05.789-07:00Going backI can't keep eating how I was the last 4 days, I can't. I feel like a cow all day long. I miss feeling hungry, I miss my stomach growling. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right. So I'm started modified ABC today and getting my ass back on track. I don't care what my family thinks, I'm going to do what makes me happy. And you know what that is? Yup, you guessed it: being skinny.<br />
<br />
So on this ABC it starts at 800 cals a day and never goes below 300, I think this one will be a lot easier to do with the boy going to be around and all. I will do it. I'm going to have a some breakfast now in a bit then I'm going to a spin class at the gym. I need to get back to 134. I will get back to 134.<br />
<br />
So here's my new plan:<br />
- Modified ABC<br />
- Drink lotss of water<br />
- If all my cals are gone for the day and I feel hungry, drink some diet coke<br />
- I'm going to eat breakfast<br />
- Go to the gym whenever possible<br />
<br />
Thanks for the comments ladies, I know it can't all be fat but I was having a melt down :(wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-68194556847887727452010-09-19T18:36:00.000-07:002010-09-19T18:36:00.040-07:00FMLFMLFMLUGHHHHHH so, my family has been nuts latley, watching me like a hawk, and going on and on about how I have to eat, starvation mode etc etc. So I decided to say ok I'll do it their way and see how it works, it hasn't been very long but I joined a gym with my cousin and have been going to a class everyday, on top of doing cardio and have been eating normal, 1400 cals a day, no binges and all healthy foods. My cousin, lets call her Amy, has been pushing this strength training crap on me yada yada so I said I'd do it. I've been so fucking sore and haven't stepped on the scale, was feeling ok.<br />
<i></i><br />
Well that went to fuck about 10 minutes ago. I stepped on the goddamned scale and I'm 145!!!!!! One hundred and forty five fucking pounds !!! How is that even fucking possible??? I measured my waist, which was 28.5, now its 30!!!!!! Around my belly button was 32, now 34!! I'm fucking huge, I'm getting fatter, what the fuckk. I'm actually freaking out. Bf comes home tomorrow and now I'm just as fucking fat as when he left. I'm crying my eyes out, I can't do this. I don't know what to do :(wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-70228038044266488172010-09-16T05:26:00.000-07:002010-09-16T05:26:30.003-07:00Starting Overr<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Ok so my fast day did a whole 360. I went down to my parents where everyone decided to go out for supper. I don't know what happened, I cracked, I had burger, fries, and a shitload of regular pepsi. Then ice cream for dessert plus cookies, bread, buttery popcorn, candies, chocolate bar and whatever else I could get into me. I was so full that my stomach was killing me, to the point where it hurt to move. I actually threw up and it wasn't on purpose. FML.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">So I decided not to weigh myself this morning because with all that crap I ate plus the amount of sodium I know I'm definatly up a couple pounds and I didn't want to get any more discouraged. I'm very disappointed in myself and my lack of control but I'm not going to get depressed, it's not the end of the world. Instead I'm going to look at it as a new day and I'm going to start ABC diet today. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">So day 1 - 500 cals or less.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">I will do it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">I will drink lots of water.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">I'll try to stay off the scale for a couple days.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">I will get down below 134.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">I want to see 133 so bad.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">I'm sticking with ABC this time, failure is not an option.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">If I fuck up, instead of starting over I'll continue with it the next day.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">Does anyone want to start ABC with me and see if we can actually stick to it? I think it will be easier if I have someone doing it with me. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">I will be strong today. I will stay under 500 calories and I will be skinny. Stay strong everyonee. We can do this. Skinny thoughtss, love you beautiess.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">xoxox</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Courier New;">-J</span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-29718346653833195792010-09-15T05:10:00.000-07:002010-09-15T05:10:17.708-07:00Skinny thoughts<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">134 lbs this morning.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Back where I was, all it does it remind me that I could be even lower if I wasn't such a pig. Oh well that's all I can do now. My fast went great yesterday, drank fuck loads of water, some with 5 cal crystal light added, lotss of gum and 1 glass of diet pepsi. I aslo had a 5 calories jello. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I decided after reading someone else's blog that I'm only going to read while on the treadmill. I lovee reading and once I get into a book I can't put it down. So if I want to read it I'm going to have to exercise as well. I think it's an awesome idea. I got an hour and a half in yesterday doing this : ) </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I'm going to keep fasting today, might have a cup of soup (50 cals) later if I really need something, but going to try not to. I feel great today : ) I think it's going to be a good day.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I hope everyone else is feeling good. Oh and thanks for all your lovley comments last night, I didn't bingee thank god and the boy and I are now fine : ) </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Think skinny my beautiess, Lots of loveee </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">xoxo</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">-J </span></span></span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-77641506608041230772010-09-14T09:30:00.000-07:002010-09-14T09:30:20.769-07:00HELPPPP<span><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="background-color: white;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #351c75;">My boyfriend and I are in a hugeee fight, he was a jerk, pissed me off and now I'm in a nasty fucking mood and I'm being a bitch to him. I'm so angry and all I can think about is going and stuffing my faceee. I'm trying to talk myself out of it but I don't know if I can do it : ( </span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-8953555083829636832010-09-14T05:05:00.000-07:002010-09-14T05:05:16.688-07:00WTFFF<span><span style="background-color: #660000;"></span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">I should have just went to sleep last night.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was going to, I really was. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">But stupid fat nosey me had to stick my fucking nose in the fridge to see what was there. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">What did I do? Oh I think we all know. I ate every motherfucking thing in sight. I stoppsed counting at around 2500 calories.Don't feel bad Acka, I can guarantee I did much much worse than you.I'm not going to post what I actually ate, it's disgusting. I'm a glutton. I scarfed down as much food as humanly possible within 45 mins then purged it up. I don't know if I got it all. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was 136lbs this morning, 2 lbs up from my pre binge but I had a lot of salt so I'm hoping that it's mostly retained water. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">Fuckkk. I really need to fuck off bingeing and purging. I know I say this almost every day but I really do. My teeth are fucked in the back. I'm so afraid to go to the dentist, he'll know right away. I hate how I feel after with my face all puffy. I look even fatter. I hate going to bed with that feeling of failure in myself.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">Why can't I be strong with so many other beautiful girls? Why can't I just resist the urge to stuff my face? </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">I will do it. I will. I can. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm water fasting until Friday. I have to go out to another god damned fucking dinner with my family at some greasy grosse resteraunt. There's going to to absolutley nothing remotley healthy on the menu, I know this for a fact. So water fasting it is. I may allow myself some chicken broth is I feel like I need something. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">I know people say fasts only lead to another binge. But I need to do this. I need to get back down to 134 or lower and stay there. I never wanna be up over 135, which I am now. A failure. I need to feel hungry. To feel my stomach growl and feel hunger pains. For this is when I know I am doing good. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">Ughhh today is a new day. I will do better. I have to. I'm going to bust my ass on the treadmill as well. I was on the treadmill yesterday as well, for about 1/2 hour running. I don't know how many calories that burned, I don't trust those little monitors on them that tell you, I just don't. They aren't accurate. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">On a better note, 9 followers now yay : ) </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">After my bitchy winey little freak out. Oh well I want to say thank you to the people who are always here for me to comment and make my day a little better. SO thank you so much to:</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Acka</span><br style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;" /><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">amy</span><br style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;" /><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">bonesarepure </span><br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I love you girls. I love reading your blogs and I love your comments on mine : )</span><br style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;" /><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">You beauties rockkk ! </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Also, to Rosette, I'm not forgetting you, thank you for the comment. I'm going to start reading your blog today : )</span></div><br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Stay strong lovliess & think thin!! We can do this, We can!</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Lots of loveee </div><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">-J</span><br />
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</span></span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-60260899296010794962010-09-13T09:26:00.000-07:002010-09-13T09:26:01.066-07:00One more time to kill the pain<span style="color: #20124d;">I don't know what my problem is today. I crave attention I guess. I have no one to talk to about stuff and so I come on here and I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I read other people's blog and they get so many comments and kind words then I come to mine and I'm like what the hell is wrong with me? Why don't people care about me? I feel like a loser, ya, an internet blogger loser who no one wants to read. I know , it's really quite pathetic but it's really getting me down because I feel like a real life loser as well as one on here. Boo fucking whoo I know grow up J. Get over yourself. End of my pathetic little rant. </span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">Yesterday I was going to start 2468. I ate 60 cals of egg whites the whole day and sipped on water and diet pepsi. Then I was watching tv and come around 9:30pm I know there's a nestle drumstick in my freezer, cookies and cream and it's just calling out my namee. So I caved and ate it. 300 calories. So instead of purging it like I would normally do I calmed myself down and said it's ok I'll just do ABC instead, that allows 500 cals or less on the first day. So that's what I did and I know it's not much to be happy about I mean hello I did eat the fucking ice cream like a slob but I'm happy I didn't purge it up and my end total calorie count for the day was 360, not bad. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">So far today I had some soup, 70 cals and a sandwhich 300 cals. I also got on the treadmill for about 40 mins last night and did a fuck load of push ups, and sit ups. Was still at 134 this morning, hoping to see a drop tomorrow morning. Well I'm going to go do some laundry, think thin my beauties and stay strongg</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">muchh lovee xo</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">-J</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqtiCT0mOhIgeqAKwo-sxFI0l8obxWeA5HUDcHNT5ZmcTNr8bps9GYWi_GNmpvFwliDX17RxNDrExB-CpcuZ04ai3LE3uuaLEmSmATmLrlNBvq0d8-6iHfYYcsEtpGcyjTUO6tW-f__Yag/s1600/gtry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqtiCT0mOhIgeqAKwo-sxFI0l8obxWeA5HUDcHNT5ZmcTNr8bps9GYWi_GNmpvFwliDX17RxNDrExB-CpcuZ04ai3LE3uuaLEmSmATmLrlNBvq0d8-6iHfYYcsEtpGcyjTUO6tW-f__Yag/s320/gtry.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKmLfSvEM_tf-GIj3hhjPT2EjTVmKMw3yEaA4BhHCIex3NA_2GEBNHbtSU4BkZcscty_n4IwYlsBsU9YG4wP6mP-cxd9hGM8dAkO3w5UjHEaDCPlEgsTNmjoJ3RBCtUJw_64fgGzPgycQB/s1600/versace-runway-heavy-metal-de-84076778.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKmLfSvEM_tf-GIj3hhjPT2EjTVmKMw3yEaA4BhHCIex3NA_2GEBNHbtSU4BkZcscty_n4IwYlsBsU9YG4wP6mP-cxd9hGM8dAkO3w5UjHEaDCPlEgsTNmjoJ3RBCtUJw_64fgGzPgycQB/s320/versace-runway-heavy-metal-de-84076778.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvlXRvsMFqGHqw4E2xgkXZ1kfyULGaht_4Px8wJC7ZSW7K12QB0wSMY4Ll4yZ8J7020McfNugF51zYDeurn2eP75tYVtaDLwBrq0nZsLJs27q2KN9iTJwu8k8dOnLY0eJ6H65NTYCl_Fk1/s1600/Victoria+Secret+Fashion+Show+Runway+2mfRrWIFZQql.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvlXRvsMFqGHqw4E2xgkXZ1kfyULGaht_4Px8wJC7ZSW7K12QB0wSMY4Ll4yZ8J7020McfNugF51zYDeurn2eP75tYVtaDLwBrq0nZsLJs27q2KN9iTJwu8k8dOnLY0eJ6H65NTYCl_Fk1/s320/Victoria+Secret+Fashion+Show+Runway+2mfRrWIFZQql.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0v9FJ4ysqEyOQs4P6SB_p5JHEA8PSwj-mSurGVQzoXVT95F-m4ZOheIfXXFyK-QhHPgxq616D2Tq8xzomyEgU-i5j_Cl8Klr7aUqqkXTqh2nEPPLQoZ7QZvnGMZCPb5uO3lvpjoLNSxzj/s1600/z66076293.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0v9FJ4ysqEyOQs4P6SB_p5JHEA8PSwj-mSurGVQzoXVT95F-m4ZOheIfXXFyK-QhHPgxq616D2Tq8xzomyEgU-i5j_Cl8Klr7aUqqkXTqh2nEPPLQoZ7QZvnGMZCPb5uO3lvpjoLNSxzj/s320/z66076293.jpg" /></a></div><span style="color: #20124d;">or this:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZAqGJzXYgnY9gI5x0VvNxQJc9zSK-vMialWW3an8Wwfyv2TtEkz3-7D1fobkYVzwh77ZTATi_acH36N5U3sZ9v06tDrlrg_0zbdJ8xm0DOBEJ5qeeXl1NBTxnTUaCqMlpDbwigyGoDYfy/s1600/gaultier041006_468x692.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZAqGJzXYgnY9gI5x0VvNxQJc9zSK-vMialWW3an8Wwfyv2TtEkz3-7D1fobkYVzwh77ZTATi_acH36N5U3sZ9v06tDrlrg_0zbdJ8xm0DOBEJ5qeeXl1NBTxnTUaCqMlpDbwigyGoDYfy/s320/gaultier041006_468x692.jpg" /></a></div><span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-31594451270156751012010-09-12T06:44:00.000-07:002010-09-12T06:44:38.600-07:00I don't look in in the mirror, I don't like what I see staring back at me<span style="color: #741b47;">134 this morning !!!</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #4c1130;">**Happy Danceee** </div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">I`m soo excited. I love hitting new lows, especially after how crappy I felt last night. It gives me the motivation I need to keep going and to stay strong. </span></div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">I`m going to start 2468 today, I can`t wait to be in the 120's! Boyfriend will be home in about 7-8 days. I made the mistake of telling him I lost some weight and he's all like I can't wait to get home and see how sexy you are, but I can't notice any difference so I'm afraid he's going to see me and be let down. Hopefully I can lose another couple of pounds this week before he gets home. </span></div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">I know I've said no more bingeing and purging before but it's just so hard to get out of so I'm going set mini goals for myself. I want to make it one week without bingeing and go from there. Time to go clean my apartment, take care beautiess !</span></div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"> </span></div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">stay strong & think thin</span></div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">much love</span></div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">-J</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLty7I0EKYAlU4OxZQ7biHFElHcl0jbZxkVfd-xaJBgflLxdbGc-_BVehS_70Ew1PBoNXzD9ChOGO5fXVjwxZ4xIbHA4lSakXXav0vAkgyAtH-g2KvckgrGU2Xo1Dsezx4LdpiKHJxrO7J/s1600/jimmy_choo_logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLty7I0EKYAlU4OxZQ7biHFElHcl0jbZxkVfd-xaJBgflLxdbGc-_BVehS_70Ew1PBoNXzD9ChOGO5fXVjwxZ4xIbHA4lSakXXav0vAkgyAtH-g2KvckgrGU2Xo1Dsezx4LdpiKHJxrO7J/s320/jimmy_choo_logo.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4eDACorI-OQeSva92vkkFLCntmtR4qd7RgbT12Vd6HX4F6qFqDw5YcNZs25vhzxM6pbdsNKFemqwPH5drA1Smye3Nhq5517uVX6LiYWYsjNgbNhrVqy9rvAvZGs5IRcqhvHvDjlGMaXq/s1600/jimmy-choo-summer-2009-ad-campaign-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4eDACorI-OQeSva92vkkFLCntmtR4qd7RgbT12Vd6HX4F6qFqDw5YcNZs25vhzxM6pbdsNKFemqwPH5drA1Smye3Nhq5517uVX6LiYWYsjNgbNhrVqy9rvAvZGs5IRcqhvHvDjlGMaXq/s320/jimmy-choo-summer-2009-ad-campaign-2.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzNBlORw8oVljhVC_iN4tuaR637GQOPizzQir3QOeOiWuGqPUd4b5qABFoc8eCrLlZdpDdv3bEm21_AZzGDJnhDwVj8AqwAkH9RqsovaQEBDXv8GyuRs2iVF7lEUSZmcJQT4zTaWx72_lv/s1600/jimmy+choo+2+oopshi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzNBlORw8oVljhVC_iN4tuaR637GQOPizzQir3QOeOiWuGqPUd4b5qABFoc8eCrLlZdpDdv3bEm21_AZzGDJnhDwVj8AqwAkH9RqsovaQEBDXv8GyuRs2iVF7lEUSZmcJQT4zTaWx72_lv/s320/jimmy+choo+2+oopshi.jpg" /></a></div><div style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"> </span></div>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-9723490692904741372010-09-11T17:38:00.000-07:002010-09-11T17:38:34.199-07:00FMLSooo I haven't posted in a few days, I was at my parents house and couldn't get a chance on the computer. Basically my eating has been shitttttttt. I've ate and purged so much my throat is killing me, my face is soo puffy and I'm bloated. Before I came home my mom made chocolate chunk cookies, brownies and of course I stuffed my fat face with them and then had 2 ice cream cones on top and a chocolate bar with peanut butter. uggghh wtf is wrong with me and I tried to purge it up as soon as I got home but harldy anything would come up. I feel so pathetic. I don't know whether I should fast tomorrow or to start 2468, what do you lovlies think? Even though I've been eating everything in sight, I've thrown up basically everything so my weight has stayed the same. I hope it stays the same tomorrow. I wanna see 134 so bad. I wanna be in the 120's like crazy. Mia needs to leave and Ana needs to come back into my life. I don't know what my problem is, everything is so fucked up in my life right now and I don't know why but when I purge it makes me feel a bit better like at least I'm in control of something you know. But not tonight, I can't even purge right. ugghh. I'm in the shittiest mood possible I think.<br />
That`s all for now :(<br />
-Jwanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-83507385392727030792010-09-09T08:32:00.000-07:002010-09-09T08:32:37.553-07:00Everyone wants a body to die forr<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr6Qm6ekOla5vn6z6kmmittsnVKl4txwnWBchWTpkGjhPdjuKsYHFgxpt0CK2H2i7zf6NgG0O0uSj1txRXE4afi1ns-vFxQYIuklpny-7z6Xef0LaXP7nLjBI4ZzznEOlTRC5Mivtdz_Cd/s1600/tumblr_l0oba6UBRm1qb1z3ho1_400_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr6Qm6ekOla5vn6z6kmmittsnVKl4txwnWBchWTpkGjhPdjuKsYHFgxpt0CK2H2i7zf6NgG0O0uSj1txRXE4afi1ns-vFxQYIuklpny-7z6Xef0LaXP7nLjBI4ZzznEOlTRC5Mivtdz_Cd/s320/tumblr_l0oba6UBRm1qb1z3ho1_400_thumb.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #073763;">God I'm so fucking coldd today, my fingers are like ice. On a better note, I did excellent yesterday with fasting, had only water and at the end of the night I had a glass of diet pepsi and some sugar free gum. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #073763;">Today has went good so far, its 12:42pm, I've had about 4 glasses of water and a peice of gum, I don't even feel hungry at all, no pain in my stomach and no growling, weird. I will make it til tomorrow evening then I might go for another few days after the supper, all depends on how I'm feeling.</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #073763;">I got dizzy a couple times today when I stood up but nothing too bad.</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #073763;"> </span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #073763;">I was <u style="color: black;"><b>135lbs</b></u> this morning !!!! Wooo !! Met my first goal, I'm fucking pumpedd. Now I know I'll definatly going to stay on my fast plan until tomorrow evening. I'm been researching the resteraunt that my pop picked out and decided that </span></span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I'm going to go with something with lots of veggies and maybe some chicken. I won't eat it all, I'll distract people from noticing by ordering lots of drinks, sharing with others, talking and picking etc. I absolutley hate eating at resteraunts, I hate not knowing exactly how many calories I'm putting into my body, whos hands were on my food, if they're a clean person or a dirtbagg, I'm getting grossed out just thinking about it. But I have to make it appear that I'm fine. I won't mention the word diet or say I'm trying to eat low cal, instead I'll just say that I want something healthier. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Oh my bit of a ramble there haha oh well at least if I'm typing this I'm not thinking about eating. I come on this a lot during the day to read everyone's blogs and look at their pictures, I love it. It really helps. Keep posting my beautiess !Well that's all for now I'm going to go get a hott shower to try to warm up this bodyy. Think thinnn lovliess !</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">-J</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJjE5HEUo8s7PH57yIVHPtnYGq76W47BUQFbL1ohil9kgNSktcbx48R4QiqJNTdClrPcD4H1246lvR3PP-doVyMkLKss1NucKxgmBI6E5YawMWt5KUve7WdA614ezOtTfkhJB69ZzmZU85/s1600/untitled-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJjE5HEUo8s7PH57yIVHPtnYGq76W47BUQFbL1ohil9kgNSktcbx48R4QiqJNTdClrPcD4H1246lvR3PP-doVyMkLKss1NucKxgmBI6E5YawMWt5KUve7WdA614ezOtTfkhJB69ZzmZU85/s320/untitled-1.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLIKNLK573ZbPLJx72eLBr9Xn7imkYyG3PTUO4z8zd4klN9R50UcP0esYxiCQVHNFSaryFIqjEbHX9oz3XWul0dflsRTOeMQ3lsHsWNeIQse1qf2qkYvAcKwiHzVRR6TXFIXKhZu_TU2PP/s1600/blue-scarf-blue-shirt-black-urban-outfitters-shirt-black-sirens-shorts_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLIKNLK573ZbPLJx72eLBr9Xn7imkYyG3PTUO4z8zd4klN9R50UcP0esYxiCQVHNFSaryFIqjEbHX9oz3XWul0dflsRTOeMQ3lsHsWNeIQse1qf2qkYvAcKwiHzVRR6TXFIXKhZu_TU2PP/s320/blue-scarf-blue-shirt-black-urban-outfitters-shirt-black-sirens-shorts_400.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg41iokQOm5_208grGRdb3TgkzwI56MGUxe4731-CsjfD1ZPtqokTrrI3HJ2ZUxPKiyL5syoKJ1RgnTOMUtjrITOeXOawt0za8LLXHUOqXLVtxI512OFSEgAVvjSARAF4xk9RTNAzXfwS8R/s1600/ffffghhh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg41iokQOm5_208grGRdb3TgkzwI56MGUxe4731-CsjfD1ZPtqokTrrI3HJ2ZUxPKiyL5syoKJ1RgnTOMUtjrITOeXOawt0za8LLXHUOqXLVtxI512OFSEgAVvjSARAF4xk9RTNAzXfwS8R/s320/ffffghhh.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgt5WstUbYPUgkFGaEV8l46kyrcVLJ2DbQVtYUfrmYK0VvRdaXMtprDyVfrR6wx4E261EtSB_gwQU5YH-yFMzK6hDi8Uxi1T1kdnAyxr6BACllCbvfpJysHCnmSiCUZqmeLqe0T0xyxyNX/s1600/posh_blue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgt5WstUbYPUgkFGaEV8l46kyrcVLJ2DbQVtYUfrmYK0VvRdaXMtprDyVfrR6wx4E261EtSB_gwQU5YH-yFMzK6hDi8Uxi1T1kdnAyxr6BACllCbvfpJysHCnmSiCUZqmeLqe0T0xyxyNX/s320/posh_blue.jpg" /></a></div><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-55177638479312556902010-09-08T08:30:00.000-07:002010-09-08T08:30:58.991-07:00Big Isn't Beautiful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCnfbh4MTMg2aNhylkTx3PfEk0gT4toX94AwLLU5RiIfHQmz9XDK1Junre6XKsibilzMlxbDwUgjk2T_uBhOuBmfDXlO2kw76BtKNBAI-Wkd7VI3iMguk_M9NCM38wjWPCYzT21oQX1226/s1600/tumblr_l5h9n36izq1qzbeioo1_500_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCnfbh4MTMg2aNhylkTx3PfEk0gT4toX94AwLLU5RiIfHQmz9XDK1Junre6XKsibilzMlxbDwUgjk2T_uBhOuBmfDXlO2kw76BtKNBAI-Wkd7VI3iMguk_M9NCM38wjWPCYzT21oQX1226/s320/tumblr_l5h9n36izq1qzbeioo1_500_thumb.jpg" /></a></div><div style="color: #a64d79;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #a64d79;">Ok so altough it I hated to do it because I figured there would be a gain from my multiple binges last night I was still 136 today. Thank godddd, I'm still water fasting until friday's supper though. I really want to meet my next goal of 135. My boyfriend comes home in 3 weeks and when he left I was 156 lbs and I haven't told him I'd lost any weight but I want him to be able to see a difference, I know I sure don't. I don't know how I'm going to get away without eating when he comes home. It was easy before because we only hung out in the night times and I'd lie and say I had eaten this or that throught out the day but he's getting the hints from his parents that they want him out of the house so I felt like I had to offer for him to move into my apartment with me. Any suggestions? I'm terrified about this. I want to lose as much weight as possible and be as close to my goal as I can by the time he comes back. </div><div style="color: #a64d79;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #a64d79;">Today is going good is 12:50 pm, mind you I've been up since 8am and haven't had a bite to eat. I've been sipping on water through a straw. I find I drink more this way and don't get the pain in my gut I get when I take mouthfuls of water from the glass. </div><div style="color: #a64d79;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #a64d79;">I just want to say thank you so much for the people who follow and comment on my posts. It means a lot to me and it helps me a lot. I don't want to come here and tell you all how bad I've done, I want to be able to say I was strong and resisted temptation, even when I'm a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like I can't talk to anyone in my real life because they will judge but you guys don't and I lovee you for that !!</div><div style="color: #a64d79;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #a64d79;">I'm in such a good mood today, kept myself busy by cleaning. If anyone else is fasting with me good luck && think skinny! xo That's all for noww</div><div style="color: #a64d79;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #a64d79;">-J</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK1a3DMHujFesnrI8h_Etz-8HsGvS4cuA0Uef7FPUeTyIyY6yRxY6QGmVeVtb6esNo982lPQvi-PvMpEJMJq6ESRDktuikg825hm18Lk0qwctER37opKIu9y8vFKs3Cn08GRYrWydXaxH9/s1600/fdfdf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK1a3DMHujFesnrI8h_Etz-8HsGvS4cuA0Uef7FPUeTyIyY6yRxY6QGmVeVtb6esNo982lPQvi-PvMpEJMJq6ESRDktuikg825hm18Lk0qwctER37opKIu9y8vFKs3Cn08GRYrWydXaxH9/s320/fdfdf.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJnR2F8gy5gYA26nkYsI3kWneAVF2iJxISAzGLQjvRZRmWbjmPW9552VKZW1ELOj8M3zFLPeHC7irdzhW6a1sAcLJXXZCORxfGsIqRRTsiEzamgB-Z5TdHDIzQ4ukEKc5JqpqxpK6UGBs5/s1600/659961-11-1266881430210_large_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJnR2F8gy5gYA26nkYsI3kWneAVF2iJxISAzGLQjvRZRmWbjmPW9552VKZW1ELOj8M3zFLPeHC7irdzhW6a1sAcLJXXZCORxfGsIqRRTsiEzamgB-Z5TdHDIzQ4ukEKc5JqpqxpK6UGBs5/s320/659961-11-1266881430210_large_thumb.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiov0J3bxg5mf0gd2yDMUIVCecBl7GcQIFGyvFnfZGBYqr3Dek5nXhaQXpQGgQrhespCaClb_UYXzolOW2uvtxd77xAyZkRiLYGfMMwel4uEv9haFS5z35c5sAJi557A5qdqCQzmKY9IwcG/s1600/imagesfgg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiov0J3bxg5mf0gd2yDMUIVCecBl7GcQIFGyvFnfZGBYqr3Dek5nXhaQXpQGgQrhespCaClb_UYXzolOW2uvtxd77xAyZkRiLYGfMMwel4uEv9haFS5z35c5sAJi557A5qdqCQzmKY9IwcG/s320/imagesfgg.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdI6OqTKAd5Ynqs9lgQGrF9kTWoxXbDIqZ7iH1PYoVsxhvJ2j-vIrNv5uaLW1BOC0cgZ0T0QJO35fm5ipwgIRtdUsV2DtcdQa1yA20cdRasFa8Z9WNbPCfpyjDwTrT1fa0RDA0wxARuVaF/s1600/tumblr_l72bebL2e21qbr47bo1_400_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdI6OqTKAd5Ynqs9lgQGrF9kTWoxXbDIqZ7iH1PYoVsxhvJ2j-vIrNv5uaLW1BOC0cgZ0T0QJO35fm5ipwgIRtdUsV2DtcdQa1yA20cdRasFa8Z9WNbPCfpyjDwTrT1fa0RDA0wxARuVaF/s320/tumblr_l72bebL2e21qbr47bo1_400_thumb.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixBhCbIJjHijutFrvH1KHmRSYWVYomcJrzLE0DU5O1zLTBkcdDcB68UooNKHW4wQsAMQP2xzsqR0_RngjeVd6mVkLHTC-z_yexKtzfiNW6EP1gUkXuUOIK5dSA6_eDTWtdR7QDqtQS4mD2/s1600/499880-img.photobucket.com-albums-v731-joanne81-thinspo-icons-z12646197.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixBhCbIJjHijutFrvH1KHmRSYWVYomcJrzLE0DU5O1zLTBkcdDcB68UooNKHW4wQsAMQP2xzsqR0_RngjeVd6mVkLHTC-z_yexKtzfiNW6EP1gUkXuUOIK5dSA6_eDTWtdR7QDqtQS4mD2/s320/499880-img.photobucket.com-albums-v731-joanne81-thinspo-icons-z12646197.gif" /></a></div><span style="color: magenta;"> </span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-3463305332704782152010-09-07T18:59:00.000-07:002010-09-07T19:07:21.529-07:00Ughhhhhh Horribleee !<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjySPEku7Oju68LLyz7YyO9MqC7DqNDDL04jRq783KzujL4AMdPGvvVKS3Xua-JpsE51RtKc-sTQ-7eKxKLZxQ267VkY7LxHUunoiuV2lv0Hd-itqhMG7CqCaTFoeH_4EzVwQ9QrB8EhXxE/s1600/jzehs3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjySPEku7Oju68LLyz7YyO9MqC7DqNDDL04jRq783KzujL4AMdPGvvVKS3Xua-JpsE51RtKc-sTQ-7eKxKLZxQ267VkY7LxHUunoiuV2lv0Hd-itqhMG7CqCaTFoeH_4EzVwQ9QrB8EhXxE/s320/jzehs3.jpg" /></a></div><span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I don't know what the fuck my problem is. Like seriously. This morning was great, I weighed in at an all time low of 136!! Then I was good all day, only had some brocolli, carrots and two egg whites. Then my brother came over and we went out, of course he fucking wanted mcdonalds, but I only had about 200 calories so I figured I`d get a grilled snack wrap without the cheese and I`d still make it under my 500 calories for the day. I did it. I was happy. Then I get home and my fucking bitch sister calls me and tells me a bunch of shit that upsets me a lot. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-size: small;">So what do I do? </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Stuff my fucking facee like retarded. I ate everything in sight, purged, ate everything else, purged and repeated this about 6 fucking times. The amount of food I've eaten is crazy. To the point I looked like I was about to give birth and my stomach felt like it was going to explode. Now I'm here with my fucking throat killing and feeling like a piece of fucking shit. What is wrong with me? Why am I such an emotional eater, I was doing so good with not bingeing and purging. I hate myself right now. </span>I really do. I don't even want to step on the god damned scale tomorrow but I know I will and then I'll be even more fucking depressed than I am right now when I see a fucking gain. Ughhhh. I need to fuck off bingeing. </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #660000;">No more, enough of that shit.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #660000;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #660000;"> </span></span><span style="color: #660000;">So starting tomorrow I'm doing a water fast until Friday evening, I'd like to go longer but I'm going out for my pop's birthday supper with the family and I'm going to have to eat something. But I'm going to keep it veryy light and veryyy low cal. So absolutley no food, no diet pepsi nothing but water until then. Anyone with me? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;"> Sorry about bitchingg so much in this post but I had to get it out of my system. Hope everyone has been doing better today than my fatass. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;"> -J </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib-hjWErYLx0u7VhkF1xU9njj0eenYdbZZe3ZEfwPE7CpVyE4OEMOgTI28ShRFtb3lDzibeZ-RQn4Dro_O_vmFsI13S_9CfrbftJk_wEyyaIiReb9v_1-HoMrSl7a0hQPsJ5AneFPjRLCZ/s1600/turquoise_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib-hjWErYLx0u7VhkF1xU9njj0eenYdbZZe3ZEfwPE7CpVyE4OEMOgTI28ShRFtb3lDzibeZ-RQn4Dro_O_vmFsI13S_9CfrbftJk_wEyyaIiReb9v_1-HoMrSl7a0hQPsJ5AneFPjRLCZ/s320/turquoise_thumb.jpg" /></a></div>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-53190202652943923642010-09-06T06:33:00.000-07:002010-09-06T06:33:12.343-07:00Yessaaa !!<span style="color: #20124d;">137lbs ! Ha take that scalee, blew right past 138, I'm pumpedd! : )</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">This is my lowest weight since my teens, it makes me want to keep going.</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">I CAN do it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">I WILL be skinny.</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">So, yesterday was a good day food wise. I went down to my parents for the god damned dinner and my dad kept saying I want to see you eat a good meal today J, fill your plate. I said i'll eat til I'm full. So I don't take as much as everyone else but enough that people won't notice. Just looking at how much they were eating is grosse to me, in the back of my head all I'm thinking is I'm glad it's you eating that shitload of food not me, I'm getting skinny. I know it's bad of me , but these are the people who constantly reminded me of how fat I was all through my childhood. The fact that they're getting bigger somehow makes me feel better. Ha , I know I'm fuckedd. </span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">While everyone else was eating I was eating slower, refilling my drink, things like that and definatly stayed under 500 cals : ) Then while doing the dishes my bitch sister makes the comment, your pants are too baggy, if you lose anymore weight you're going to look annorexic. In front of everyone. I said annorexic!! are you crazyyy? Look how big my gut is and my legs. She looked me up and down and said yah but theyre always going to be big. FUCKIN BITCH. They won't always be big, I'm going to be skinny, everywhere. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">When I got home I drank lots of water and diet coke, had one piece of dark chocolate, my favvv. Then went to bed. I love going to bed hungry, stomach growling. I don't know why it makes me happy, makes me feel like that day was a good day. Today I decided I'm going to start 2468, wish me luck my beautiess !</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">Stay stong xo</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">-J</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</span>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-81910370128910712342010-09-05T07:02:00.000-07:002010-09-05T07:06:38.204-07:00004<div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So yesterday went pretty good. I ate 1/2 of a 6" chicken sub with just mustard for about 150cals, a some soup for 50 cals and a bite of a cookie that my mother made. Had to taste so no one would say anything. So I</span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">'d say I met the 300 calorie goal I set for myself. </span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">I went down to visit my parents yesterday and my brother and very skinny sister were there. I made sure to go down after supper time so if they offered me any food I can say I was just after eating my supper home. I've lost about 11 pounds in the last almost 2 weeks. I don't think it's noticeable at all just by looking at me but I'm fitting into my old jeans that haven't fit for a while. Well I get down and my father tells me I'm going away to nothing and do I want supper. I say I just ate my supper. Then my mother won't stop commenting you've lost weight haven't you, I say I don't know I've been eating healthy and exercising. She continues to try to get me to eat something , I say no I'm not hungry, getting annoyed now. So finally I get a some fucking soup just to shut them up, only 50 calories though : ) </span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"> </span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">Then me and my brother are watching tv, I say I don't know what theyre problem is, I look fine. ( I purposley wore a baggy shirt- one that is meant to be worn baggy, so that they wouldn't be able to notice if I looked smaller) He says well you're small enough you don't need to lose any more weight, you don't even have a double chin anymore. WOW thanks dickhead. That's the whole point. I mean I'm just at normal weight for my height. I'm only 5'3. My BMI is 24.6, normal is 18.5-24.9. WTFF Then my mother wouldn't stop trying to shove food in my face, I said go ask Alexa if she wants some she's skinnier than me leave me alone. She says NO I"M NOTT. As if. Anyways, now I have to go to dinner with them all because it's my grandmother's birthday and my parents are cooking a big dinner at their house for the whole family. I'm going to try to keep the calories low. </span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">Oh , my weight was 139 again today but my waist is gone down. Last month sometime it was 30inches , today it's 28.5 : ) : ) !!</span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><br />
</span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">Think skinny my followers, we can do it !! xo</span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><br />
-J</span></span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">A little thinspo for you :) </span></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7vUm6RaDsYr5bhuybk-UFsJMpQtjm1N4ZWI3_tCp_j92A6LUhLeo4BelSQ_lokaE_-TQqmL0UJtzymkgn2xrsoxXhuuZ4UeXDqjmJE8u_5CIkH3k8agVh5CBVPDas2pzqhCjgQRKJf_gi/s1600/z135401682.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7vUm6RaDsYr5bhuybk-UFsJMpQtjm1N4ZWI3_tCp_j92A6LUhLeo4BelSQ_lokaE_-TQqmL0UJtzymkgn2xrsoxXhuuZ4UeXDqjmJE8u_5CIkH3k8agVh5CBVPDas2pzqhCjgQRKJf_gi/s320/z135401682.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT2PG-D0MSz-EvF17CU4wNzUSwKRKKrKW9cAY1HfehEeIBMKJwwrLgFtgt_SY6Ic1kzWPwxRLjTvrAi15XW7FNADENBlcHL2hUtvY9ZlVAUlYRPbDIfaufSSCiSsATVzxPDnxXUq0pwKdI/s1600/z153516770.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT2PG-D0MSz-EvF17CU4wNzUSwKRKKrKW9cAY1HfehEeIBMKJwwrLgFtgt_SY6Ic1kzWPwxRLjTvrAi15XW7FNADENBlcHL2hUtvY9ZlVAUlYRPbDIfaufSSCiSsATVzxPDnxXUq0pwKdI/s320/z153516770.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmDMJWqUwYzT46RiOkiSm1mT7NH8LB8QhMjaE9KjI71gvQoDaQia1eR59A8423PtY72jJ-jNwCIl3HaSnVzG9i22j5hV22j8qofJhwqITg44_XW23ANMTuBlQS-LAZT_Mufm-epOJpjKZ6/s1600/z137595586.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmDMJWqUwYzT46RiOkiSm1mT7NH8LB8QhMjaE9KjI71gvQoDaQia1eR59A8423PtY72jJ-jNwCIl3HaSnVzG9i22j5hV22j8qofJhwqITg44_XW23ANMTuBlQS-LAZT_Mufm-epOJpjKZ6/s320/z137595586.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFQW6RKEB9d_dev3pKTDDZiHnRDqOxwoQBsb_fA4ADfVBI0SiEupiuq_rmSft0CACCccRkNcUxBHK2X0NQmKl08ddH26BLc4VDPJ07SqYtCMv_TMhtgJCUn5h8et2prxfsNvL9zNILfAa-/s1600/ScenespoEmoThinspo72.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFQW6RKEB9d_dev3pKTDDZiHnRDqOxwoQBsb_fA4ADfVBI0SiEupiuq_rmSft0CACCccRkNcUxBHK2X0NQmKl08ddH26BLc4VDPJ07SqYtCMv_TMhtgJCUn5h8et2prxfsNvL9zNILfAa-/s320/ScenespoEmoThinspo72.jpg" /></a></div>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-77567340902368894672010-09-04T04:57:00.000-07:002010-09-04T04:57:57.077-07:00Rain rain go away...<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"></span><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Come back never. God I hate the fucking rain in the daytime, makes me tired, lazy and in an overall shitty mood. On the other hand, I love lying down and listening to the rain hitting the window when I'm falling asleep. Bottom line, today is crap already.</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">139lbs again this morning, after my fast, which went very good. I never ate anything besides two 5 calorie jello cups. I drank a shit load of diet pepsi and water. Still 139 though, I really need to get my ass in gear and start exercising. I think I'm going to go for a jog later, I have a treadmill and if I'm ever gonna lose the pouch I have on my gut I'm gonna need some cardio. </span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was thinking of trying the 2468 diet, the thought of going up to 800 cals in a day scares the fuck outta me but I think I might try it and see how it goes. Or should I stick to ABC? opinionss?Either way I'm going to try to keep the cals low today and start one of those tomorrow. I'm really going to try to stay under 300 today. I wanna see 138 so baddd, 139 is my lowest since I've been 16 and I wanna pass it. </span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I finally have a follower yay!! : ) I'm going to go start reading her blog now, whenever I read someone's blog I start from the beginning, I have to, I'm a ver curious person.</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Good luck everyonee xo</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">-J</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-53504709947450226672010-09-03T04:22:00.000-07:002010-09-03T04:30:07.352-07:00New low : )<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">139 </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">139lbs !! Finally into the 130's. So close to the 120's I can't stop now !! I'm fasting today because I binged and purged yesterday and after I posted I did it about 3 more times, I don't know why I just couldn't stop putting food into my mouth. I'm a fucking pig, that's all there is to it. But once I purge it makes me feel in control again, it's calming to me. I might have a cup of soup if I feel horrible later but I really want to make sure I stay in the 130's for tomorrow. God I'm so fucking excited. I mean I look exactly the same as I did yesterday but I feel awesome. Weird how the scale can affect my every mood. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have a few errands to run today and will probably go to the mall, not to buy anything but to look around. I wanna be a size 0. I'm currently in a size 5 in some pants and 3 in others, a little snug but I can get them on. God, there's so many skinny bitches in there, talk about real thinsporation. I'll check back in later to update how my fast is going. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Wish me luckk && think thin!! - That is if there's anyone even reading this</span></span></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8fLWB35NSehSLhw1jAPtGLyG60Njs2X6ynxn2pcrXEYCuoRNZDmLIwZVovUjAonU_lOc94XMIkPz15XkcBCOAKp3hAILZmrOFYdpaz3_CfvIwIfSeiL-EYuRJ3ShWsChCLmSzoGBodTsf/s1600/imagestet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8fLWB35NSehSLhw1jAPtGLyG60Njs2X6ynxn2pcrXEYCuoRNZDmLIwZVovUjAonU_lOc94XMIkPz15XkcBCOAKp3hAILZmrOFYdpaz3_CfvIwIfSeiL-EYuRJ3ShWsChCLmSzoGBodTsf/s320/imagestet.jpg" /></a></div><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">-J</span></span></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpNMdXYgiVNkp1dvcqHolhoALlkmd45Kut2hSfvfr0-yg0r-ghmfoORE7K4JU2q0S1G-38QUIThEmA0mWESJ9Rm69Uxz6TBu3RwBdRM2qLY88owc4KEfSHI5e73APQrtLqRMGDhGZ1h9e/s1600/m181153394.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpNMdXYgiVNkp1dvcqHolhoALlkmd45Kut2hSfvfr0-yg0r-ghmfoORE7K4JU2q0S1G-38QUIThEmA0mWESJ9Rm69Uxz6TBu3RwBdRM2qLY88owc4KEfSHI5e73APQrtLqRMGDhGZ1h9e/s320/m181153394.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEillR0bZEhHTrmW1ps9vmC7TsrvGHrFcjCTlfZTE6-X2N6buyeoYg9A2T8_D7BnC_XRuaRZ0Us2ZkrTlCB_-icUwX2drdHm_PemoUAYXb5kiUFY_4I-Q1m0cBDwp6w7lB1Mm3Ud6sKNAbB-/s1600/imagesgdg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEillR0bZEhHTrmW1ps9vmC7TsrvGHrFcjCTlfZTE6-X2N6buyeoYg9A2T8_D7BnC_XRuaRZ0Us2ZkrTlCB_-icUwX2drdHm_PemoUAYXb5kiUFY_4I-Q1m0cBDwp6w7lB1Mm3Ud6sKNAbB-/s320/imagesgdg.jpg" /></a></div>wanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03595169693545743415noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860550530464395298.post-69761757795088119412010-09-02T12:32:00.000-07:002010-09-02T12:32:45.428-07:00Welcome to my life...<div style="color: purple;">Wow so I just had a whole fucking post done, and I mean a longg ass post and for some reason my internet decided to be a douche and close out on me so it's gone. Lovley. Off to a great start.</div><div style="color: purple;"><br />
</div><div style="color: purple;">So I've never written a blog before - ever. So bear with me. I decided to start writing one so that I would have somewhere to express my thoughs, my REAL thoughts, no lies, or secrets, what's really going on in my head. Somewhere to escape. I thought about a diary but I didn't want to risk someone I know finding it, I'd be mortified if someone found it, found out my dirty secret. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me, or trying to "fix" me. So even if someone I know sees this they won't know its me, names will be changed etc. </div><div style="color: purple;"> </div><div style="color: purple;"> I've never had a good relationship with food, for as long as I can remember. I was always the "chubby" one when I was small and that turned into being the fat sister. Its not that I was always eating but I would eat normal for a while then out of the blue just eat and eat and eat. Everything in sight, no matter what, even if I didn't like it, until the point where my stomach would hurt.</div><div style="color: purple;"><br />
</div><div style="color: purple;">Once I turned oh I don't know probably 13 or 14 I found out I could just make myself throw up after the binges. It made me feel in control. This continued for a long time, and never worked because I wouldn't do it all the time, or get everything up. I winded up at 200lbs. TWO HUNDERED fucking POUNDS. I don't know how I let myself get that way, all I know is I'm never going back there again. I've been restricting my calories, somedays eating nothing. I don't know if you would call me bulimic or annorexic but I'm something and I'm going to be skinny no matter what. I want to get to 120 then eventually 105. </div><div style="color: purple;"><br />
</div><div style="color: purple;">For the past week I've been following the ABC diet and here's how it's went so far.</div><div style="color: purple;">Day 1 - 500 cals (I'm sure I had less) 150lbs</div><div style="color: purple;">Day 2- 500 cals</div><div style="color: purple;">Day 3- 300 cals </div><div style="color: purple;">Day 4- Fasttt</div><div style="color: purple;">Day 5- 100 cals 143lbs </div><div style="color: purple;">I started tracking what I ate</div><div style="color: purple;">- veggie salad with light dressing</div><div style="color: purple;">Day 6- 200 cals 142lbs</div><div style="color: purple;">- a couple whole wheat crackers and some boneless skinless chicken breast</div><div style="color: purple;">Day 7- 300 cals 141lbs</div><div style="color: purple;">- turkey/ham sub 6inch</div><div style="color: purple;"><br />
</div><div style="color: purple;">Andd then there's today. I was supposed to have 400 cals and I was doing fine, had 6 whole wheat crackers this morning for 90 cals and some green tea with nothing in it, 0 cals a cup of soup for 50 cals. Then I don't know why I devoured the other half of my sub from yesterday, ate a handful of chips, half a cheese string, a chocolate carmel granola bar and a few bites of ice cream. I immediatley purged it. For the binge I'm not going to eat anything else tonight maybe a 5 cal jello cup and I'm going to fast tomorrow. I'm so close to the 130's I don't want to fuck up now. </div><br />
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<div style="color: purple;"> I need to get my shit together and stop bingeing so that I won't have to purge, besides the fact that I hate it, the force of it pops the blood vessels in my face. Everyone knows it happens when I throw up and I can usually cover it easily with make up, but sometimes it's just too bad.I might as well scream out in front of my friends and family " I JUST FUCKING THREW MY GUTS UP BECAUSE I'M TOO FUCKING WEAK TO JUST NOT EAT CRAP!!" So yah I really need to give it up. I need to be stronger.</div><div style="color: purple;"><br />
</div><span style="color: purple;">I will be skinny, skinny thoughts to anyone who ever reads this, I'm going to do it, I will. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple;">I'll check back in tonight or tomorrow.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;">-J</span><br />
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