Wow so I just had a whole fucking post done, and I mean a longg ass post and for some reason my internet decided to be a douche and close out on me so it's gone. Lovley. Off to a great start.
So I've never written a blog before - ever. So bear with me. I decided to start writing one so that I would have somewhere to express my thoughs, my REAL thoughts, no lies, or secrets, what's really going on in my head. Somewhere to escape. I thought about a diary but I didn't want to risk someone I know finding it, I'd be mortified if someone found it, found out my dirty secret. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me, or trying to "fix" me. So even if someone I know sees this they won't know its me, names will be changed etc.
I've never had a good relationship with food, for as long as I can remember. I was always the "chubby" one when I was small and that turned into being the fat sister. Its not that I was always eating but I would eat normal for a while then out of the blue just eat and eat and eat. Everything in sight, no matter what, even if I didn't like it, until the point where my stomach would hurt.
Once I turned oh I don't know probably 13 or 14 I found out I could just make myself throw up after the binges. It made me feel in control. This continued for a long time, and never worked because I wouldn't do it all the time, or get everything up. I winded up at 200lbs. TWO HUNDERED fucking POUNDS. I don't know how I let myself get that way, all I know is I'm never going back there again. I've been restricting my calories, somedays eating nothing. I don't know if you would call me bulimic or annorexic but I'm something and I'm going to be skinny no matter what. I want to get to 120 then eventually 105.
For the past week I've been following the ABC diet and here's how it's went so far.
Day 1 - 500 cals (I'm sure I had less) 150lbs
Day 2- 500 cals
Day 3- 300 cals
Day 4- Fasttt
Day 5- 100 cals 143lbs
I started tracking what I ate
- veggie salad with light dressing
Day 6- 200 cals 142lbs
- a couple whole wheat crackers and some boneless skinless chicken breast
Day 7- 300 cals 141lbs
- turkey/ham sub 6inch
Andd then there's today. I was supposed to have 400 cals and I was doing fine, had 6 whole wheat crackers this morning for 90 cals and some green tea with nothing in it, 0 cals a cup of soup for 50 cals. Then I don't know why I devoured the other half of my sub from yesterday, ate a handful of chips, half a cheese string, a chocolate carmel granola bar and a few bites of ice cream. I immediatley purged it. For the binge I'm not going to eat anything else tonight maybe a 5 cal jello cup and I'm going to fast tomorrow. I'm so close to the 130's I don't want to fuck up now.
I need to get my shit together and stop bingeing so that I won't have to purge, besides the fact that I hate it, the force of it pops the blood vessels in my face. Everyone knows it happens when I throw up and I can usually cover it easily with make up, but sometimes it's just too bad.I might as well scream out in front of my friends and family " I JUST FUCKING THREW MY GUTS UP BECAUSE I'M TOO FUCKING WEAK TO JUST NOT EAT CRAP!!" So yah I really need to give it up. I need to be stronger.
I'll check back in tonight or tomorrow.
-J
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