137

137lbs when I stepped on the scale today, not bad. Three pounds away from where I was. I can't wait to be under 135 again. I feel a million times better today than when I had my "melt down."

I kept my calories under 800 and ate mostl good foods. Boyfriend came home yesterday finally, and of course brought over junk food, ugh I love him but I hate when he does that. I ended up having a couple chips with dip and candy but I know I never went over my calorie limit. Plus some long over due lovingg must have burned off some of those calories ;)

Spin class kicked my ass yesterday. Then I went on the treadmill for half an hour and did an hour of free weights, planks, squats etc. I drank fuck loads of water and diet pepsi. Today is 800 cals or less. I can do this I know I can. 

I was supposed to go Zumba class today but the weather is shittt so I'm going to stay home and do one of my work out videos and get on my own treadmill.

I will stay strong today, no matter what crap boy brings home after work. I told him not to bring it in the house but I know he won't listen. Can't punish him for my fucked up eating I guess but it's so much harder when it's there in front of my face. 

I can do it, I will do it. 
Stay strong my beauties and thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments, it means so much to me to know that there's people out there that I can talk to about anything and not get judged, that understand what I'm going through. Lots of love to all of you beautiful ladies. xoxox Stay stong & think thin!!

-J

Going back

I can't keep eating how I was the last 4 days, I can't. I feel like a cow all day long.  I miss feeling hungry, I miss my stomach growling. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right. So I'm started modified ABC today and getting my ass back on track. I don't care what my family thinks, I'm going to do what makes me happy. And you know what that is? Yup, you guessed it: being skinny.

So on this ABC it starts at 800 cals a day and never goes below 300, I think this one will be a lot easier to do with the boy going to be around and all. I will do it. I'm going to have a some breakfast now in a bit then I'm going to a spin class at the gym. I need to get back to 134. I will get back to 134.

So here's my new plan:
- Modified ABC
- Drink lotss of water
- If all my cals are gone for the day and I feel hungry, drink some diet coke
- I'm going to eat breakfast
- Go to the gym whenever possible

Thanks for the comments ladies, I know it can't all be fat but I was having a melt down :(

FMLFMLFML

UGHHHHHH so, my family has been nuts latley, watching me like a hawk, and going on and on about how I have to eat, starvation mode etc etc. So I decided to say ok I'll do it their way and see how it works, it hasn't been very long but I joined a gym with my cousin and have been going to a class everyday, on top of doing cardio and have been eating normal, 1400 cals a day, no binges and all healthy foods. My cousin, lets call her Amy, has been pushing this strength training crap on me yada yada so I said I'd do it. I've been so fucking sore and haven't stepped on the scale, was feeling ok.

Well that went to fuck about 10 minutes ago. I stepped on the goddamned scale and I'm 145!!!!!! One hundred and forty five fucking pounds !!! How is that even fucking possible??? I measured my waist, which was 28.5, now its 30!!!!!! Around my belly button was 32, now 34!! I'm fucking huge, I'm getting fatter, what the fuckk. I'm actually freaking out. Bf comes home tomorrow and now I'm just as fucking fat as when he left. I'm crying my eyes out, I can't do this. I don't know what to do :(

Starting Overr

Ok so my fast day did a whole 360. I went down to my parents where everyone decided to go out for supper. I don't know what happened, I cracked, I had burger, fries, and a shitload of regular pepsi. Then ice cream for dessert plus cookies, bread, buttery popcorn, candies, chocolate bar and whatever else I could get into me. I was so full that my stomach was killing me, to the point where it hurt to move. I actually threw up and it wasn't on purpose. FML.

So I decided not to weigh myself this morning because with all that crap I ate plus the amount of sodium I know I'm definatly up a couple pounds and I didn't want to get any more discouraged. I'm very disappointed in myself and my lack of control but I'm not going to get depressed, it's not the end of the world. Instead I'm going to look at it as a new day and I'm going to start ABC diet today.

So day 1 - 500 cals or less.
I will do it.
I will drink lots of water.
I'll try to stay off the scale for a couple days.
I will get down below 134.
I want to see 133 so bad.
I'm sticking with ABC this time, failure is not an option.
If I fuck up, instead of starting over I'll continue with it the next day.

Does anyone want to start ABC with me and see if we can actually stick to it? I think it will be easier if I have someone doing it with me.

I will be strong today. I will stay under 500 calories and I will be skinny. Stay strong everyonee. We can do this. Skinny thoughtss, love you beautiess.
xoxox
-J

Skinny thoughts

134 lbs this morning.

Back where I was, all it does it remind me that I could be even lower if I wasn't such a pig. Oh well that's all I can do now. My fast went great yesterday, drank fuck loads of water, some with 5 cal crystal light added, lotss of gum and 1 glass of diet pepsi. I aslo had a 5 calories jello. 

I decided after reading someone else's blog that I'm only going to read while on the treadmill. I lovee reading and once I get into a book I can't put it down. So if I want to read it I'm going to have to exercise as well. I think it's an awesome idea. I got an hour and a half in yesterday doing this : ) 

I'm going to keep fasting today, might have a cup of soup (50 cals) later if I really need something, but going to try not to. I feel great today : ) I think it's going to be a good day.

I hope everyone else is feeling good. Oh and thanks for all your lovley comments last night, I didn't bingee thank god and the boy and I are now fine : ) 

Think skinny my beautiess, Lots of loveee 
xoxo
-J

HELPPPP

My boyfriend and I are in a hugeee fight, he was a jerk, pissed me off and now I'm in a nasty fucking mood and I'm being a bitch to him. I'm so angry and all I can think about is going and stuffing my faceee. I'm trying to talk myself out of it but I don't know if I can do it : (

WTFFF

I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

I should have just went to sleep last night.

I was going to, I really was. 

But stupid fat nosey me had to stick my fucking nose in the fridge to see what was there. 

What did I do? Oh I think we all know. I ate every motherfucking thing in sight. I stoppsed counting at around 2500 calories.Don't feel bad Acka, I can guarantee I did much much worse than you.I'm not going to post what I actually ate, it's disgusting. I'm a glutton. I scarfed down as much food as humanly possible within 45 mins then purged it up. I don't know if I got it all. 

I was 136lbs this morning, 2 lbs up from my pre binge but I had a lot of salt so I'm hoping that it's mostly retained water. 

Fuckkk. I really need to fuck off bingeing and purging. I know I say this almost every day but I really do. My teeth are fucked in the back. I'm so afraid to go to the dentist, he'll know right away. I hate how I feel after with my face all puffy. I look even fatter. I hate going to bed with that feeling of failure in myself.

Why can't I be strong with so many other beautiful girls? Why can't I just resist the urge to stuff my face? 

I will do it. I will. I can. 

I'm water fasting until Friday. I have to go out to another god damned fucking dinner with my family at some greasy grosse resteraunt. There's going to to absolutley nothing remotley healthy on the menu, I know this for a fact. So water fasting it is. I may allow myself some chicken broth is I feel like I need something. 

I know people say fasts only lead to another binge. But I need to do this. I need to get back down to 134 or lower and stay there. I never wanna be up over 135, which I am now. A failure. I need to feel hungry. To feel my stomach growl and feel hunger pains. For this is when I know I am doing good. 

Ughhh today is a new day. I will do better. I have to. I'm going to bust my ass on the treadmill as well. I was on the treadmill yesterday as well, for about 1/2 hour running. I don't know how many calories that burned, I don't trust those little monitors on them that tell you, I just don't. They aren't accurate. 

On a better note, 9 followers now yay : ) 
After my bitchy winey little freak out. Oh well I want to say thank you to the people who are always here for me to comment and make my day a little better. SO thank you so much to:

Acka
amy
bonesarepure

I love you girls. I love reading your blogs and I love your comments on mine : )
You beauties rockkk ! 

Also, to Rosette, I'm not forgetting you, thank you for the comment. I'm going to start reading your blog today : )

Stay strong lovliess & think thin!! We can do this, We can!

Lots of loveee 

-J

One more time to kill the pain

I don't know what my problem is today. I crave attention I guess. I have no one to talk to about stuff and so I come on here and I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I read other people's blog and they get so many comments and kind words then I come to mine and I'm like what the hell is wrong with me? Why don't people care about me? I feel like a loser, ya, an internet blogger loser who no one wants to read. I know , it's really quite pathetic but it's really getting me down because I feel like a real life loser as well as one on here. Boo fucking whoo I know grow up J. Get over yourself. End of my pathetic little rant. 

Yesterday I was going to start 2468. I ate 60 cals of egg whites the whole day and sipped on water and diet pepsi. Then I was watching tv and come around 9:30pm I know there's a nestle drumstick in my freezer, cookies and cream and it's just calling out my namee. So I caved and ate it. 300 calories. So instead of purging it like I would normally do I calmed myself down and said it's ok I'll just do ABC instead, that allows 500 cals or less on the first day. So that's what I did and I know it's not much to be happy about I mean hello I did eat the fucking ice cream like a slob but I'm happy I didn't purge it up and my end total calorie count for the day was 360, not bad.

So far today I had some soup, 70 cals and a sandwhich 300 cals. I also got on the treadmill for about 40 mins last night and did a fuck load of push ups, and sit ups. Was still at 134 this morning, hoping to see a drop tomorrow morning. Well I'm going to go do some laundry, think thin my beauties and stay strongg
muchh lovee  xo
-J

or this:

I don't look in in the mirror, I don't like what I see staring back at me

134 this morning !!!

**Happy Danceee** 

I`m soo excited. I love hitting new lows, especially after how crappy I felt last night. It gives me the motivation I need to keep going and to stay strong. 

I`m going to start 2468 today, I can`t wait to be in the 120's! Boyfriend will be home in about 7-8 days. I made the mistake of telling him I lost some weight and he's all like I can't wait to get home and see how sexy you are, but I can't notice any difference so I'm afraid he's going to see me and be let down. Hopefully I can lose another couple of pounds this week before he gets home. 

I know I've said no more bingeing and purging before but it's just so hard to get out of so I'm going set mini goals for myself. I want to make it one week without bingeing and go from there. Time to go clean my apartment, take care beautiess !

stay strong & think thin

much love

-J

 

FML

Sooo I haven't posted in a few days, I was at my parents house and couldn't get a chance on the computer. Basically my eating has been shitttttttt. I've ate and purged so much my throat is killing me, my face is soo puffy and I'm bloated. Before I came home my mom made chocolate chunk cookies, brownies and of course I stuffed my fat face with them and then had 2 ice cream cones on top and a chocolate bar with peanut butter. uggghh wtf is wrong with me and I tried to purge it up as soon as I  got home but harldy anything would come up. I feel so pathetic. I don't know whether I should fast tomorrow or to start 2468, what do you lovlies think? Even though I've been eating everything in sight, I've thrown up basically everything so my weight has stayed the same. I hope it stays the same tomorrow. I wanna see 134 so bad. I wanna be in the 120's like crazy. Mia needs to leave and Ana needs to come back into my life. I don't know what my problem is, everything is so fucked up in my life right now and I don't know why but when I purge it makes me feel a bit better like at least I'm in control of something you know. But not tonight, I can't even purge right. ugghh. I'm in the shittiest mood possible I think.
That`s all for now :(
-J

Everyone wants a body to die forr

God I'm so fucking coldd today, my fingers are like ice. On a better note, I did excellent yesterday with fasting, had only water and at the end of the night I had a glass of diet pepsi and some sugar free gum. 

Today has went good so far, its 12:42pm, I've had about 4 glasses of water and a peice of gum, I don't even feel hungry at all, no pain in my stomach and no growling, weird. I will make it til tomorrow evening then I might go for another few days after the supper, all depends on how I'm feeling.I got dizzy a couple times today when I stood up but nothing too bad.

I was 135lbs this morning !!!! Wooo !! Met my first goal, I'm fucking pumpedd. Now I know I'll definatly going to stay on my fast plan until tomorrow evening. I'm been researching the resteraunt that my pop picked out and decided that I'm going to go with something with lots of veggies and maybe some chicken. I won't eat it all, I'll distract people from noticing by ordering lots of drinks, sharing with others, talking and picking etc. I absolutley hate eating at resteraunts, I hate not knowing exactly how many calories I'm putting into my body, whos hands were on my food, if they're a clean person or a dirtbagg, I'm getting grossed out just thinking about it. But I have to make it appear that I'm fine. I won't mention the word diet or say I'm trying to eat low cal, instead I'll just say that I want something healthier. 

Oh my bit of a ramble there haha oh well at least if I'm typing this I'm not thinking about eating. I come on this a lot during the day to read everyone's blogs and look at their pictures, I love it. It really helps. Keep posting my beautiess !Well that's all for now I'm going to go get a hott shower to try to warm up this bodyy. Think thinnn lovliess !

-J

 

Big Isn't Beautiful

Ok so altough it I hated to do it because I figured there would be a gain from my multiple binges last night I was still 136 today. Thank godddd, I'm still water fasting until friday's supper though. I really want to meet my next goal of 135. My boyfriend comes home in 3 weeks and when he left I was 156 lbs and I haven't told him I'd lost any weight but I want him to be able to see a difference, I know I sure don't. I don't know how I'm going to get away without eating when he comes home. It was easy before because we only hung out in the night times and I'd lie and say I had eaten this or that throught out the day but he's getting the hints from his parents that they want him out of the house so I felt like I had to offer for him to move into my apartment with me. Any suggestions? I'm terrified about this. I want to lose as much weight as possible and be as close to my goal as I can by the time he comes back. 

Today is going good is 12:50 pm, mind you I've been up since 8am and haven't had a bite to eat. I've been sipping on water through a straw. I find I drink more this way and don't get the pain in my gut I get when I take mouthfuls of water from the glass. 

I just want to say thank you so much for the people who follow and comment on my posts. It means a lot to me and it helps me a lot. I don't want to come here and tell you all how bad I've done, I want to be able to say I was strong and resisted temptation, even when I'm a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like I can't talk to anyone in my real life because they will judge but you guys don't and I lovee you for that !!

I'm in such a good mood today, kept myself busy by cleaning. If anyone else is fasting with me good luck && think skinny! xo That's all for noww

-J

 

Ughhhhhh Horribleee !

I don't know what the fuck my problem is. Like seriously. This morning was great, I weighed in at an all time low of 136!! Then I was good all day, only had some brocolli, carrots and two egg whites. Then my brother came over and we went out, of course he fucking wanted mcdonalds, but I only had about 200 calories so I figured I`d get a grilled snack wrap without the cheese and I`d still make it under my 500 calories for the day. I did it. I was happy. Then I get home and my fucking bitch sister calls me and tells me a bunch of shit that upsets me a lot. 

So what do I do? 

Stuff my fucking facee like retarded. I ate everything in sight, purged, ate everything else, purged and repeated this about 6 fucking times. The amount of food I've eaten is crazy. To the point I looked like I was about to give birth and my stomach felt like it was going to explode. Now I'm here with my fucking throat killing and feeling like a piece of fucking shit. What is wrong with me? Why am I such an emotional eater, I was doing so good with not bingeing and purging. I hate myself right now. I really do. I don't even want to step on the god damned scale tomorrow but I know I will and then I'll be even more fucking depressed than I am right now when I see a fucking gain. Ughhhh. I need to fuck off bingeing. No more, enough of that shit.

So starting tomorrow I'm doing a water fast until Friday evening, I'd like to go longer but I'm going out for my pop's birthday supper with the family and I'm going to have to eat something. But I'm going to keep it veryy light and veryyy low cal. So absolutley no food, no diet pepsi nothing but water until then. Anyone with me? 

 Sorry about bitchingg so much in this post but I had to get it out of my system. Hope everyone has been doing better today than my fatass. 

 -J 

Yessaaa !!

137lbs ! Ha take that scalee, blew right past 138, I'm pumpedd! : )


This is my lowest weight since my teens, it makes me want to keep going.


I CAN do it.
I WILL be skinny.


So, yesterday was a good day food wise. I went down to my parents for the god damned dinner and my dad kept saying I want to see you eat a good meal today J, fill your plate. I said i'll eat til I'm full. So I don't take as much as everyone else but enough that people won't notice. Just looking at how much they were eating is grosse to me, in the back of my head all I'm thinking is I'm glad it's you eating that shitload of food not me, I'm getting skinny. I know it's bad of me , but these are the people who constantly reminded me of how fat I was all through my childhood. The fact that they're getting bigger somehow makes me feel better. Ha , I know I'm fuckedd. 


While everyone else was eating I was eating slower, refilling my drink, things like that and definatly stayed under 500 cals : ) Then while doing the dishes my bitch sister makes the comment, your pants are too baggy, if you lose anymore weight you're going to look annorexic. In front of everyone. I said annorexic!! are you crazyyy? Look how big my gut is and my legs. She looked me up and down and said yah but theyre always going to be big. FUCKIN BITCH. They won't always be big, I'm going to be skinny, everywhere.

When I got home I drank lots of water and diet coke, had one piece of dark chocolate, my favvv. Then went to bed. I love going to bed hungry, stomach growling. I don't know why it makes me happy, makes me feel like that day was a good day. Today I decided I'm going to start 2468, wish me luck my beautiess !

Stay stong xo


-J

004

So yesterday went pretty good. I ate 1/2 of a 6" chicken sub with just mustard for about 150cals, a some soup for 50 cals and a bite of a cookie that my mother made. Had to taste so no one would say anything. So I'd say I met the 300 calorie goal I set for myself. 

I went down to visit my parents yesterday and my brother and very skinny sister were there. I made sure to go down after supper time so if they offered me any food I can say I was just after eating my supper home. I've lost about 11 pounds in the last almost 2 weeks. I don't think it's noticeable at all just by looking at me but I'm fitting into my old jeans that haven't fit for a while. Well I get down and my father tells me I'm going away to nothing and do I want supper. I say I just ate my supper. Then my mother won't stop commenting you've lost weight haven't you, I say I don't know I've been eating healthy and exercising. She continues to try to get me to eat something , I say no I'm not hungry, getting annoyed now. So finally I get a some fucking soup just to shut them up, only 50 calories though : ) 

Then me and my brother are watching tv, I say I don't know what theyre problem is, I look fine. ( I purposley wore a baggy shirt- one that is meant to be worn baggy, so that they wouldn't be able to notice if I looked smaller) He says well you're small enough you don't need to lose any more weight, you don't even have a double chin anymore. WOW thanks dickhead. That's the whole point. I mean I'm just at normal weight for my height. I'm only 5'3. My BMI is 24.6, normal is 18.5-24.9. WTFF Then my mother wouldn't stop trying to shove food in my face, I said go ask Alexa if she wants some she's skinnier than me leave me alone. She says NO I"M NOTT. As if. Anyways, now I have to go to dinner with them all because it's my grandmother's birthday and my parents are cooking a big dinner at their house for the whole family. I'm going to try to keep the calories low. 

Oh , my weight was 139 again today but my waist is gone down. Last month sometime it was 30inches , today it's 28.5 : ) : ) !!

Think skinny my followers, we can do it !! xo

-J

A little thinspo for you :) 

Rain rain go away...

Come back never. God I hate the fucking rain in the daytime, makes me tired, lazy and in an overall shitty mood. On the other hand, I love lying down and listening to the rain hitting the window when I'm falling asleep. Bottom line, today is crap already.

139lbs again this morning, after my fast, which went very good. I never ate anything besides two 5 calorie jello cups. I drank a shit load of diet pepsi and water. Still 139 though, I really need to get my ass in gear and start exercising. I think I'm going to go for a jog later, I have a treadmill and if I'm ever gonna lose the pouch I have on my gut I'm gonna need some cardio. 

I was thinking of trying the 2468 diet, the thought of going up to 800 cals in a day scares the fuck outta me but I think I might try it and see how it goes. Or should I stick to ABC? opinionss?Either way I'm going to try to keep the cals low today and start one of those tomorrow. I'm really going to try to stay under 300 today. I wanna see 138 so baddd, 139 is my lowest since I've been 16 and I wanna pass it. 

I finally have a follower yay!! : ) I'm going to go start reading her blog now, whenever I read someone's blog I start from the beginning, I have to, I'm a ver curious person.

Good luck everyonee xo

-J

New low : )

139 

139lbs !! Finally into the 130's. So close to the 120's I can't stop now !! I'm fasting today because I binged and purged yesterday and after I posted I did it about 3 more times, I don't know why I just couldn't stop putting food into my mouth. I'm a fucking pig, that's all there is to it. But once I purge it makes me feel in control again, it's calming to me. I might have a cup of soup if I feel horrible later but I really want to make sure I stay in the 130's for tomorrow. God I'm so fucking excited. I mean I look exactly the same as I did yesterday but I feel awesome. Weird how the scale can affect my every mood. 

I have a few errands to run today and will probably go to the mall, not to buy anything but to look around. I wanna be a size 0. I'm currently in a size 5 in some pants and 3 in others, a little snug but I can get them on. God, there's so many skinny bitches in there, talk about real thinsporation. I'll check back in later to update how my fast is going. 


Wish me luckk && think thin!! - That is if there's anyone even reading this

-J

Welcome to my life...

Wow so I just had a whole fucking post done, and I mean a longg ass post and for some reason my internet decided to be a douche and close out on me so it's gone. Lovley. Off to a great start.

So I've never written a blog before - ever. So bear with me. I decided to start writing one so that I would have somewhere to express my thoughs, my REAL thoughts, no lies, or secrets, what's really going on in my head. Somewhere to escape. I thought about a diary but I didn't want to risk someone I know finding it, I'd be mortified if someone found it, found out my dirty secret. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me, or trying to "fix" me. So even if someone I know sees this they won't know its me, names will be changed etc. 

I've never had a good relationship with food, for as long as I can remember. I was always the "chubby" one when I was small and that turned into being the fat sister. Its not that I was always eating but I would eat normal for a while then out of the blue just eat and eat and eat. Everything in sight, no matter what, even if I didn't like it, until the point where my stomach would hurt.

Once I turned oh I don't know probably 13 or 14 I found out I could just make myself throw up after the binges. It made me feel in control. This continued for a long time, and never worked because I wouldn't do it all the time, or get everything up. I winded up at 200lbs. TWO HUNDERED fucking POUNDS. I don't know how I let myself get that way, all I know is I'm never going back there again. I've been restricting my calories, somedays eating nothing. I don't know if you would call me bulimic or annorexic but I'm something and I'm going to be skinny no matter what. I want to get to 120 then eventually 105. 

For the past week I've been following the ABC diet and here's how it's went so far.

Day 1 - 500 cals (I'm sure I had less) 150lbs

Day 2-  500 cals

Day 3- 300 cals 

Day 4- Fasttt

Day 5- 100 cals 143lbs 

I started tracking what I ate

- veggie salad with light dressing

Day 6- 200 cals 142lbs

- a couple whole wheat crackers and some boneless skinless chicken breast

Day 7- 300 cals 141lbs

- turkey/ham sub 6inch

Andd then there's today. I was supposed to have 400 cals and I was doing fine, had 6 whole wheat crackers this morning for 90 cals and some green tea with nothing in it, 0 cals a cup of soup for 50 cals. Then  I don't know why I devoured the other half of my sub from yesterday, ate a handful of chips, half a cheese string, a chocolate carmel granola bar and a few bites of ice cream. I immediatley purged it. For the binge I'm not going to eat anything else tonight maybe a 5 cal jello cup and I'm going to fast tomorrow. I'm so close to the 130's I don't want to fuck up now. 

I need to get my shit together and stop bingeing so that I won't have to purge, besides the fact that I hate it, the force of it pops the blood  vessels in my face. Everyone knows it happens when I throw up and I can usually cover it easily with make up, but sometimes it's just too bad.I might as well scream out in front of my friends and family " I JUST FUCKING THREW MY GUTS UP BECAUSE I'M TOO FUCKING WEAK TO JUST NOT EAT CRAP!!" So yah I really need to give it up. I need to be stronger.

I will be skinny, skinny thoughts to anyone who ever reads this, I'm going to do it, I will. 
I'll check back in tonight or tomorrow.

-J